his body shifted to adjust every inch of hers so they'd fit perfectly.
the smell of his tobacco breath and calvin klein cologne burned her nose.
but she's gotten use to that.she leaned in to hear his rhythmic heartbeat. mesmerized by it she was.
a tune she'd never get bored of.
"baby, do you love me? " she stared unknowingly waiting for his response. her obsession to be reassured that she was constantly being loved was cunning and insanely annoying. but she was who she was.insecure.
he kissed her softly and gently on her forehead.Marilyn Monroe once said,'the real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space dreaming of only being with you and no one else.'
and she adored that about him.
he knew exactly what she loved and didnt loved and conversely.
"i dont know how many times you wanna ask me that, but the answer will still be yes." he replied.
her heart nearly skipped a beat or two every time she'd wait for his long awaited respond. (in reality, it was only 2 minutes worth of waiting).
she smiled genuinely. Of course she knew the answer.
it hadn't changed for almost two years since she'd been with him.
"baby, would you do anything for me?"
this she was curious.
had she never asked this before. Lies and deception was everything she knew about boys from her past experiences.and every relationship she had always started with a "i'll do anything for you".
Anything was rather limited.
she needed someone who could give her the world. give her the same amount of affection she would give others.
she needed security.that's what she really needed.
he looked at her bestowed.
now he was starting to get worried. "is there something wrong?"
he'd put her as her number 1 priority in his life, everyone knew that. everyone including her.
her slight fall out or mishap that occurred to her would be taken first hand by him.
he needed to make sure she was okay.
after a while, it wasnt the question of wanting to make her feel good,but it started becoming an obligation he was obliged to do for as long as he was with her.
"baby just answer me please.honestly speaking. would you?"
"Without any hesitations love! if you wanted the earth below you, i'd take the shovel and dig it up myself. if you wanted to fly to paris just so you could see the latest fall fashion show, i'd save the money so we could go together. IF that was what you needed and of course other idea's are open for discussion," he laughed.
and so she was pleased with his words. but something still didnt feel right.
"the heart has reasons that reasons does not understand", Jacques Benigne Bossull once wrote.
and she was beginning to see how true that is.
she had a guy that loved her, that was willing to do anything in the world for her, WHAT MORE COULD SHE HAVE ASKED FOR?
but her insecurity and doubt and obsession that she had about everything just made it even harder for her to comprehend things correctly.
she was always so fixated on everything and so fickle minded about how things should turn out to be that her expectations about life and her and him and the whole world just seem so hard to meet on the borderline of reality.
she knew she was being delirious after a while.
"babe, whats on your mind?im so use to reading you every other night but tonight, i just cant tell what's bugging you."
and that struck her like a lightning bolt.
she didnt like that she was such an open book.please dont misunderstand or judge her,
the fact that her boyfriend is even able to read what goes through her mind and not play dumb like most boys is in fact already amazing.
but is that how she wanted to be seen as? open?
maybe being too open was the problem.
there was nothing solitude that she could keep private to herself anymore.
nothing sacred and worth leaving out from the world.
that one day, maybe her words would strike on many accounts on envy and hatred or jealously that she'd feel.
she counted down to 10..9..8..7.6..5..4..3..2..1..0
"i dont think we're good together."
"im sorry, what?!"
"i said I DONT THINK WE'RE GOOD TOGETHER." she started playing with her fingers, tearing her scab off her wounds, when that wasnt distracting her enough,
she started reciting her favourite quotes over and over again.
she looked up at him,
stoned and tears streaming down her face.
he hadnt said a word for about a good 5 minutes now.
she started panicking.
maybe i could have rephrased that.
maybe i didnt mean it.
"why?"
suprised as he was she responded quickly in hopes that she wouldnt fumble with her words.
"because im going to break your heart one day and i dont know how im going to handle it"
"why would you say something like that? why must you always be so negative? why cant you just enjoy it while its still in front of your eyes?why must everything be about YOU?"
"because im not going to be around anymore bub! im leaving you and this world and you dont even realize it!"
"im loosing you."
"you've already lost me love.*sigh* do you remember the phone conversation where i told you bout the numbers 14.10.09?"
"yeah, what about it?"
"that's the day i decided i was going to do something good.I decided i was going to be an organ donor and save those who need the help."
"that's great baby. im proud of you. but i dont get what that has to do with this?"
i wasn't sure if he could hear me, i was drowning in my own tears.
"I'm donating my heart."
and i felt his hands unwinding from mine. and his sweet scent drifting away.
the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, who can know it?
and that's why im giving mine away.
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