you know what's a scary feeling?

the thought of being so dependent on someone. So dependent you forget how to live independently..

it's like leaving a newborn child in a closet and asking him/her to find the it's way out...

if anything the past few days, who am i kidding, WEEKS, have made me feel so helplessly dependent on the one person who i let myself feel so vulnerable with.. and if anything, i completely forgot what it means or what it felt like to be independent! To go about my day as if he never walked into my life. Sure enough it was so much easier to do that knowing at the end of the day, i'd have that one person i can call up and tell everything that happened to.. It's a strange feeling really, cause as my sister said to me a few days back, how i cant be that pathetically helpless, if anything i've got so much swag (yes she used the word swag), it's unreal..

and what's stranger is that...i know what that feels like.. the feeling you get when you strut into a club, or into a restaurant, or a bar and you're walking towards your friends and you can feel the glare of everyone else around you, guys and girls staring at you with envy or jealousy or with interest..
But what i cant grasp, is finding that ability to make myself feel good all the time!

I wouldn't come close to feeling sorry for myself if i was a third person looking in. I feel disgusted! How did i let myself become that shallow? How did I let anyone make me feel like that!?

the way i see it, i have two options..
i can A) find the inner strength to pick myself up and walk away and wait to see what happens cause if god really has better plans for me, then i should have faith.
B) sulk and stay isolated and risk losing everything by being overly depressed and needy.

doesnt mean i've lost all hope in what could still be.. i just think karma's biting me back in the a** and for everything i've done, you deserve to run free.. and if you're as tame as i remember you to be, you'll know how to come home.. come home to me.

you can always pretend you know what's best.. but the heart always knows best.. so where does yours lay?