nonchalant rant

if you believe in the impossible, you'll see the weary.
you'll see how vulnerable and incapable she is of herself.
you'll see how desperate and how determined she is to find and feel loved.

29 days came and went and to be fairly honest,
i've never felt more alone than in those days.

truth be told,
i miss hearing you call me names, i miss hearing and reading how much you love me
and sometimes i wonder if moments like that are just phases that come and go or that come
and will never return.

with 11 days remaining, my heart has gone weary and very much tempremental, i can't quite grasp this feeling i feel.

so if you're reading this right now,
this is probably the biggest but second most sincerest apology im making to you.

from the bottom of my heart, im sorry you had to see that side of me. the side of me
which if anything made you feel like i couldnt trust you. The stress i put on myself isnt because of you, it's because I allow myself to feel stressed. I do trust you, i really do.. and that's probably because you've never really given me reason to doubt it. I'm just stubborn and apprehensive bout thinking someone as honest and loyal as you could really exist.

i know it felt like im very much strangling you, or some would say breathing down your neck..
and i apologize deeply for that. maybe you're right, maybe i should learn not to love you too much.
i forget the stress i can put on my partner when i do that..in the end im the one left hurt and i guess you reminded me of how much i dont ever wanna be in that position, if ever you choose to walk away from me right now.

i asked if what happened made you alter the way you felt for me, and (with what i could tell seemed like you were hesitating) you said you didnt know. how can you not know? it's either it did or it didnt. i asked if you still love me? and you said yeah you kinda do and you still care for me.. but when i asked if we were okay you said you hope so. was it not a simple yes or no?Now i cant help but wonder if being with me is still part of a plan you'd like to make possible in the near future.

i feel like we're drifting apart and i have no one else to blame for that but me, and i take full responsibility for that. But all i say here is and could be very much one sided. you said that you'd like for things to continue as they were and that you didnt feel like we were drifting apart.. and i admire you for your faith. But a wise man such as yourself said actions speaks louder than words... so why do i feel like you're wanting less and less of me. or was it all in my head as i strongly believed in the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing..

A lot can happen in 11 days (soon to be 10). it's either you're gonna realize how much i value you and you're gonna appreciate that and continue to see me as the 'most loving and beautiful person in your life' as you'd say.. and believe me when i say i'm going to prove to you that i do trust you, and we'll work it all out.. OR
you're gonna find how unnecessary all the hard work and effort we both put in this relationship has been and you're gonna be ignorant to your feelings let alone mine and walk away from everything or push me slowly away from it all..

and in those 10 days im going to be breathing hoping i dont collapse from the unexpected or should i say expected...

after all, no hope is ironically better than false hope.
but if that's the case.. where is your hope?

mine's with and will forever be with you. i can only pray you want the same things i do for us still.

im probably writing all this because if i said it, i'm so sure of myself that i wont be able to hold back my tears from the embarrassment i put myself through lately with you..