if you like movie posters, and all things graphic design...

I thought this was a cool website.
*click*

to be fairly honest, I'm puzzled as to how I kept this blog untouched. There was a time and point in my life where I depended on this blog to keep my life going.

The past 6-7 months have been the most brutal but most challenging moments in my life this year.

If I'm being honest, why hide it back?
I fell into depression, underwent a series of psychology treatments and was under antidepressants to stop my panic attacks that went on a daily basis for almost 2 months straight.

In the process, I lost some of my friends, others of which I found out were truly my real friends and I lost bits of myself I couldn't claim. Having said that, I'm in a much better place, focusing on what I do best, my design work... and Im ready to start this blog again, though I'm considering of opening a new one.

i dont know who i need anymore, let alone who i want, or what i need.

i've been getting help.
which i'll admit has been helping more than i thought it would.
but every now and then i crash when i get the time to.

i've come accept the fact that i'm not fixable.

that eventually or hopefully, someone can tolerate all my flaws.

because truth is,

i've been a mess.

never in a million years would i have thought i would have been this messed up.
to the point where im seeking a lot of help.
(i can't say too much)

truth is,
i miss what we used to be.

or what we still could be,
if you got over your immature insecurities.. sigh.

you know what's a scary feeling?

the thought of being so dependent on someone. So dependent you forget how to live independently..

it's like leaving a newborn child in a closet and asking him/her to find the it's way out...

if anything the past few days, who am i kidding, WEEKS, have made me feel so helplessly dependent on the one person who i let myself feel so vulnerable with.. and if anything, i completely forgot what it means or what it felt like to be independent! To go about my day as if he never walked into my life. Sure enough it was so much easier to do that knowing at the end of the day, i'd have that one person i can call up and tell everything that happened to.. It's a strange feeling really, cause as my sister said to me a few days back, how i cant be that pathetically helpless, if anything i've got so much swag (yes she used the word swag), it's unreal..

and what's stranger is that...i know what that feels like.. the feeling you get when you strut into a club, or into a restaurant, or a bar and you're walking towards your friends and you can feel the glare of everyone else around you, guys and girls staring at you with envy or jealousy or with interest..
But what i cant grasp, is finding that ability to make myself feel good all the time!

I wouldn't come close to feeling sorry for myself if i was a third person looking in. I feel disgusted! How did i let myself become that shallow? How did I let anyone make me feel like that!?

the way i see it, i have two options..
i can A) find the inner strength to pick myself up and walk away and wait to see what happens cause if god really has better plans for me, then i should have faith.
B) sulk and stay isolated and risk losing everything by being overly depressed and needy.

doesnt mean i've lost all hope in what could still be.. i just think karma's biting me back in the a** and for everything i've done, you deserve to run free.. and if you're as tame as i remember you to be, you'll know how to come home.. come home to me.

you can always pretend you know what's best.. but the heart always knows best.. so where does yours lay?

cause some see the ghost of who they've become when confronted with the truth.
and it kinda looks like this.

4 more days till i get to restore my life, build my relationships back, sort my shit out before uni starts.
and i can only hope to god, my life somewhat leaves me feeling at peace before that happens.. or so help me, i'm going to be crying on the floor/bed whatever for the next few days.

i'm not that tough as it seems, whoever said i was?

I wonder if it's possible to repeatedly bash my head against the wall and function better...

a good saturday night out. <3

How far...

Would you go to make yourself happy?

Ive been trying to answer that the past 7 days.. And quite frankly, im stunned at my own answers

all it took, was one incident, a couple of doubts.. and one delusional mind....


to mess everything up.

and it'll take..

a few weeks/months, a strong heart and a positive outlook



to hopefully fix it up.

they say admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

sometimes i think back and wonder, how i became to be what i am now.
both good and bad.

how did i become so paranoid? Being ocd is one thing, and a hypochondriac is another. but paranoid to the point where i drive the people i love most away from me? is a habit.. not by nature but by choice. and there comes a point in life, where I'm going to have to sit down and figure this all out, be it by myself or with the help from others before i damage not only myself but the people who truly care for my well being.

how did i become so helpless? For someone who really doesn't (usually) give a rats ass about what people say or do to me.. (i blame a very troubled year 7 life for that), how is it humanly possible that behind that thick and stubborn head of mine, i cant find the urge to help myself and not be so defensive and actually do something for once.


i told myself this year was meant to be a year of self discovery and healing..
but my butt's so far up my ass this year i cant even decide how to pull it out... great

nonchalant rant

if you believe in the impossible, you'll see the weary.
you'll see how vulnerable and incapable she is of herself.
you'll see how desperate and how determined she is to find and feel loved.

29 days came and went and to be fairly honest,
i've never felt more alone than in those days.

truth be told,
i miss hearing you call me names, i miss hearing and reading how much you love me
and sometimes i wonder if moments like that are just phases that come and go or that come
and will never return.

with 11 days remaining, my heart has gone weary and very much tempremental, i can't quite grasp this feeling i feel.

so if you're reading this right now,
this is probably the biggest but second most sincerest apology im making to you.

from the bottom of my heart, im sorry you had to see that side of me. the side of me
which if anything made you feel like i couldnt trust you. The stress i put on myself isnt because of you, it's because I allow myself to feel stressed. I do trust you, i really do.. and that's probably because you've never really given me reason to doubt it. I'm just stubborn and apprehensive bout thinking someone as honest and loyal as you could really exist.

i know it felt like im very much strangling you, or some would say breathing down your neck..
and i apologize deeply for that. maybe you're right, maybe i should learn not to love you too much.
i forget the stress i can put on my partner when i do that..in the end im the one left hurt and i guess you reminded me of how much i dont ever wanna be in that position, if ever you choose to walk away from me right now.

i asked if what happened made you alter the way you felt for me, and (with what i could tell seemed like you were hesitating) you said you didnt know. how can you not know? it's either it did or it didnt. i asked if you still love me? and you said yeah you kinda do and you still care for me.. but when i asked if we were okay you said you hope so. was it not a simple yes or no?Now i cant help but wonder if being with me is still part of a plan you'd like to make possible in the near future.

i feel like we're drifting apart and i have no one else to blame for that but me, and i take full responsibility for that. But all i say here is and could be very much one sided. you said that you'd like for things to continue as they were and that you didnt feel like we were drifting apart.. and i admire you for your faith. But a wise man such as yourself said actions speaks louder than words... so why do i feel like you're wanting less and less of me. or was it all in my head as i strongly believed in the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing..

A lot can happen in 11 days (soon to be 10). it's either you're gonna realize how much i value you and you're gonna appreciate that and continue to see me as the 'most loving and beautiful person in your life' as you'd say.. and believe me when i say i'm going to prove to you that i do trust you, and we'll work it all out.. OR
you're gonna find how unnecessary all the hard work and effort we both put in this relationship has been and you're gonna be ignorant to your feelings let alone mine and walk away from everything or push me slowly away from it all..

and in those 10 days im going to be breathing hoping i dont collapse from the unexpected or should i say expected...

after all, no hope is ironically better than false hope.
but if that's the case.. where is your hope?

mine's with and will forever be with you. i can only pray you want the same things i do for us still.

im probably writing all this because if i said it, i'm so sure of myself that i wont be able to hold back my tears from the embarrassment i put myself through lately with you..

Nicole's Photoshoot for her portfolio, of the 7 deadly sins. I was as you can prob guess, envy.

SINGAPORE

so a couple of weeks ago, me and my bestie, Lisa planned a roadtrip to Singapore.
purely to shop and binge on all the local/good food and just a teeny weeny bit of sight seeing.


so it started out like this, Tuesday night I stayed over my bestie's place, and caught up with Nariza, who just got back from Paris and coincidentally was heading to singapore the day after as well but
with ther fam, so dinner was at Sushi Tei at Tropicana City mall. AWESOME JAPANESE FOOD.

we binged. most of that was elisa's and mine lol

  

The next day, our roadtrip started bright and early at 7.30am heading to Johor's Premium designer outlet. Wasn't intending on doing much shopping but found myself new pair of nike trainers for an amazing price! wheee. I'm excited to get myself back in the gym after the eating i've been doing :O

nik, lisa's boyfriend who was our designated driver the entire trip

 

then we checked in to our hotel, which was at Citrus, for what we paid (which was cheap) the hotel I must say was pretty decent despite the dodgy location which also happened to be right outside the Johor border checkpoint.

then we (can you imagine), Bussed it to the Woodlands checkpoint, went through immigration, bussed it again from the checkpoint to the city. Walked around and went through the trains and nik nearly got fined for eating ahahha and then got to a little place in the city called 'Little India' and had Nasi bryani for dinner :) then walked around a mall, which in all seriousness you can find anything you want in there called Mustafa and then went through the trains, busses and walked back to the hotel and slept.

 

the next day, was more intended on shopping (for real). Feeling lazy, we drove in this time. Went for lunch at a nearby mall and I finally get to check off chicken rice off my eating list this holiday. Spent a bomb at H&M, FINALLY FOUND MY BLACK CLUBMASTER RAYBANS, and GOT MY NAKED BY URBAN DECAY PALLETE! SOOOOO HAPPY. After massive spending, we headed to zam zam for singapore's famous murtabak! which was delish!

made with pretty pretty flowers, kinda reminded me of mum when I saw this.

take 1

take 2

the damage done..

got back to the hotel and had the best sleep i've had in maybe the past week. ahahha. Spent the next morning getting ready and checking out from the hotel and went for food nearby and started out journey back which took up the entire afternoon and evening and glad I can finally say, I'm home :)

So glad I agreed to doing this roadtrip. Atleast my holidays here arent exactly going to a waste.

Cant wait to see what else I have planned before I head back! 

22 days! wheeeee

my heartly rant

 you asked for honesty, the pure and blunt truth, so from me to you, here it is.

What i did, is something Im going to have to live with for as long as this relationships lasts. Had I been smarter bout the way I acted and took your feelings into consideration and acknowledged the fact that you did like me back then, NONE of this would have happened.

I can't change the past but I can definitely mold my future based on this.  YOU, are the best thing that's happened to me in the past 2 years and I hope you realize how much I value what you do, who you are and how you've been towards me. I may not show it often, I know I let my insecurities, my doubts, my mood swings, my nonsensical and non logical defensive arguments get in the way of telling you what I really mean. So forgive me, after all I'm only human. I might not have acted responsibly on many levels with and towards you, but know that I'm willing to change all that this year. If it means I get to say "happy one year" to you next year.

If you asked me if I was still scared, I'd say yes. Why? your words seem more like threats to me and I know you know that. You say I'm your one and only and half the things you say to me is a joke but my heart stops a beat every time I hear those words. I stop to think "is this all a game? if it is, you've won." but then again, who's to blame but myself for putting myself in this situation. Yet you say you see for the person that I am today, and quite frankly if anything, I think less of myself which sometimes and always has me questioning why you could still love me.

I just really really dont wanna lose you. Not now, not ever. And I dont think you see that, or understand the immensity of how scared I am and how much I'm trying to hold on to you. Sure enough, I might piss you off some days, and drive you up your walls some days, but I really hope that doesn't give you an excuse to use that against me. I PRAY that it doesn't. I don't wanna hold my feelings back with you. You deserve to see and have the real me, everything included, which means you'll see me at my best and at my lowest and my at worst. 

I have 22 days left before I get to see you again, and I can honestly say I'm learning to love you more for what this relationship really is and should be about. I'm finally realizing the little things mean so much more to me. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" they say, and I'm also beginning to realize how true that is. If anything, it's going to make/has made us a lot stronger as a couple, as individuals. On a plus note, I've learnt to trust you more than I gave myself credit for. So kudos to you for making me someone a lot wiser and better when in a relationship. 

I can't wait to come home to you.

xx

Dear demie,

Learn to trust your heart more and learn to shut your mouth or better yet, if you'd like to speak, learn to rephrase your sentences correctly so your heart and your head can work together because not only do you make yourself sound like a complete idiot but you're just confusing yourself more and more. You've got such an awesome guy in your life right now and the last thing you should and wanna do is mess things up further than you already have! So why can't you for once act smartly. Yes, you prob don't have the brains like your sister but you GOTTA start acting/think smarter. Before it's too late...

Sincerely,
Your intuition

because even a million miles away from you, and i still feel so close to you.

our skype calls mean a lot to me. i know what happened changed a few things, but im glad you stuck around.. i promise you it'll be worthwhile.

you and i babe, for the long term. <3

oh the things i find at my grandparent's place....

we'll float like a dragon and eat like a king!

 reunion dinners..

to the actual day..starting with my mum's side

 

 

 

   finally coordinated the first time with both families

the grandkids minus my sister

 

 

the three generations

and then off to the dad's and stepmum's side..

my nana on my stepmum's side

the 5 grandkids with the grandparents

GONG XI FA CAI!
wishing all a prosperous new year of the dragon, may it bring you luck and happiness :)
from, yours truly.