my heartly rant

 you asked for honesty, the pure and blunt truth, so from me to you, here it is.

What i did, is something Im going to have to live with for as long as this relationships lasts. Had I been smarter bout the way I acted and took your feelings into consideration and acknowledged the fact that you did like me back then, NONE of this would have happened.

I can't change the past but I can definitely mold my future based on this.  YOU, are the best thing that's happened to me in the past 2 years and I hope you realize how much I value what you do, who you are and how you've been towards me. I may not show it often, I know I let my insecurities, my doubts, my mood swings, my nonsensical and non logical defensive arguments get in the way of telling you what I really mean. So forgive me, after all I'm only human. I might not have acted responsibly on many levels with and towards you, but know that I'm willing to change all that this year. If it means I get to say "happy one year" to you next year.

If you asked me if I was still scared, I'd say yes. Why? your words seem more like threats to me and I know you know that. You say I'm your one and only and half the things you say to me is a joke but my heart stops a beat every time I hear those words. I stop to think "is this all a game? if it is, you've won." but then again, who's to blame but myself for putting myself in this situation. Yet you say you see for the person that I am today, and quite frankly if anything, I think less of myself which sometimes and always has me questioning why you could still love me.

I just really really dont wanna lose you. Not now, not ever. And I dont think you see that, or understand the immensity of how scared I am and how much I'm trying to hold on to you. Sure enough, I might piss you off some days, and drive you up your walls some days, but I really hope that doesn't give you an excuse to use that against me. I PRAY that it doesn't. I don't wanna hold my feelings back with you. You deserve to see and have the real me, everything included, which means you'll see me at my best and at my lowest and my at worst. 

I have 22 days left before I get to see you again, and I can honestly say I'm learning to love you more for what this relationship really is and should be about. I'm finally realizing the little things mean so much more to me. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" they say, and I'm also beginning to realize how true that is. If anything, it's going to make/has made us a lot stronger as a couple, as individuals. On a plus note, I've learnt to trust you more than I gave myself credit for. So kudos to you for making me someone a lot wiser and better when in a relationship. 

I can't wait to come home to you.

xx